Saturday, March 11, 2006 // 8:35 PM
hey. just realised i haven't blogged for like, forever. huh. since the malacca trip, looks like i haven't spoken. hypothetically, that is. no pictures now. cos they're all stored in my camera and i'm feeling too lazy to get it out. today i've been feeling pretty moody. no apparent reason though. hmm. just watched the 6d'05 movies. brings back some memories. hmmm.
now i've finally understood what my chinese teacher told us about feeling lonely. loneliness does not come from being all alone. it's the feeling you can get when you may be around many people, possibly the very people you call friends, but none who understand you, none who can feel with you.
empathy.
something hard to justify.
they are the people i talk to about how mean this person is, or how cute that singer is, or even ask how to do homework. but so far, i haven't found a friend in school or even sometimes church who empathises with me. school's just one big joke to them.
i feel the people moving past me, swarming around me, but even though i'm laughing with them, my spirits not with them. it's hard to explain, really. sometimes in school i just feel so frustrated about this whole thing; i just want to give up.
primary school was all innocent and happy; secondary school's utterly different. it's all a masquerade to me. a mask to wear on the outside, smiling; something else beneath, scheming, plotting the people who call you a friend's next fall. watching them stumble.
i'm not ready for it.
now there's no one to turn to; bottling everything up isn't going to do me any good. but somehow when i'm in choir, i'm a dozen times more relaxed. i feel like floating above all this hubbub and sing with all my soul, my troubles away. why won't they leave me?
i just want to be myself. i just to be the charlotte i loved. all the peer pressure, backstabbing, lies, masquerading. i can't take it any longer. one day i'll just go pop! and i'll explode inside.
now i find myself getting easily irritated, tired. maybe i just can't keep up with life. this is all a race, running for the finishing line, and the one who adapts the fastest is always in the lead.
it's a survival of the fittest out there.
but for now, i'm gonna curl up into a ball and wait for the time bomb in me to finish ticking.
now, let me go get some rest. hopefully tomorrow i'll feel okay enough to finish this race.
<3 love, charlotte.
// 8:35 PM
hey. just realised i haven't blogged for like, forever. huh. since the malacca trip, looks like i haven't spoken. hypothetically, that is. no pictures now. cos they're all stored in my camera and i'm feeling too lazy to get it out. today i've been feeling pretty moody. no apparent reason though. hmm. just watched the 6d'05 movies. brings back some memories. hmmm.
now i've finally understood what my chinese teacher told us about feeling lonely. loneliness does not come from being all alone. it's the feeling you can get when you may be around many people, possibly the very people you call friends, but none who understand you, none who can feel with you.
empathy.
something hard to justify.
they are the people i talk to about how mean this person is, or how cute that singer is, or even ask how to do homework. but so far, i haven't found a friend in school or even sometimes church who empathises with me. school's just one big joke to them.
i feel the people moving past me, swarming around me, but even though i'm laughing with them, my spirits not with them. it's hard to explain, really. sometimes in school i just feel so frustrated about this whole thing; i just want to give up.
primary school was all innocent and happy; secondary school's utterly different. it's all a masquerade to me. a mask to wear on the outside, smiling; something else beneath, scheming, plotting the people who call you a friend's next fall. watching them stumble.
i'm not ready for it.
now there's no one to turn to; bottling everything up isn't going to do me any good. but somehow when i'm in choir, i'm a dozen times more relaxed. i feel like floating above all this hubbub and sing with all my soul, my troubles away. why won't they leave me?
i just want to be myself. i just to be the charlotte i loved. all the peer pressure, backstabbing, lies, masquerading. i can't take it any longer. one day i'll just go pop! and i'll explode inside.
now i find myself getting easily irritated, tired. maybe i just can't keep up with life. this is all a race, running for the finishing line, and the one who adapts the fastest is always in the lead.
it's a survival of the fittest out there.
but for now, i'm gonna curl up into a ball and wait for the time bomb in me to finish ticking.
now, let me go get some rest. hopefully tomorrow i'll feel okay enough to finish this race.
<3 love, charlotte.